Only the Taste of Tears
by Sullen Shadowhawk
Summary: The tale of the romance between Harry Potter and Sirius Black from Azkaban to the Department of Mysteries and beyond. Slash. Rrating for language and brief sex. One shot.


Hey people, Teagan here. Wanted to let you all know that this is a story that I'm using to hold me over until I find my discs. I'm so sorry for the wait on my other stories but my stepsister is hiding my stuff. This story is based off a few songs on a great mixed cd I have. I listened to them with the lyrics and they were really moving.

A/N- My second attempt at slash, my first was some really stupid LOTR fic that I took down. Hope this one is better. If it's not, please review and tell me how to improve, no flames though, it's hot enough in the desert already.

If I owned Harry Potter, Sirius would be alive and Wormtail wouldn't.

Only the Taste of Tears

_Is it worth it can you even hear me? Standing with your spotlight on me. Not enough to feed the hungry. I'm tired and I've felt it for a while now. In this sea of lonely the taste of ink is getting old it's four o' clock in the fucking morning. Each day gets more and more like the last day. Still I can see it coming while I'm standing in the river drowning. This could be my chance to break out. This could be my chance to say goodbye. At last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer. Being half dead wasn't what I planned to be now I'm ready to be free so here I am, it's in my hands and I'll savor every moment of this. So here I am alive at last and I'll savor every moment of this._

Sirius Black, convicted murderer, the innocent prisoner, was the first person to ever escape Azkaban prison. All he could think about was finding his godson to do what James and Lily always intended for him to do. He wanted to take care of Harry, no matter what, and that's what kept him sane throughout the years. Finding Pettigrew was a close second. That bastard needed to pay for hurting the best friends either had ever seen. How could he betray them like that? It was enough to make Sirius plot murder, then at least he'd have a reason to serve 12 years in prison. Changing into his dog self, Sirius slipped out of the cell that had been his living space for so long. He passed out the gate, unnoticed by the dementors, and headed for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He headed for Harry.

After a school year of following Harry and trying to prove himself, he finally got the message across that he wasn't a crazy killer. Dumbledore agreed to let Harry stay with Sirius for the summer. They were both very excited and neither could wait to get to the house. To avoid being hassled, Dumbledore had set up a place for them to live in California. Nobody would recognize an innocent ex-con and the boy-who-lived there. From the train station in London, they went to the airport, headed toward John Wayne airport. On the plane, Harry decided to get to know his long-lost godfather a bit better. He asked a million questions about Sirius's past and whatever he could know about his own parents. Harry learned about the special bond that he and James had had. "Harry, your father and I had a love that nobody in the world could compare to. We were so close and we'd been through everything together. As a matter of fact, James was my first kiss. Don't get me wrong, he loved your mother very much and Lily was a wonderful woman in every way, but what he and I had was very different and very very special to me. Lily never asked to compete, she respected the bond we had, and I theirs. I never loved two people more than I loved James Potter and Lily Evans...Potter."

Harry smiled and envisioned a picture perfect family with his parents, maybe a little sister, and his godfather always near him. It brought a tear to his eye. Sirius also had tears. Remembering the Potters always did it to him. Harry looked so much like James but had Lily's sensitivity. The one thing Sirius left out was that he could never have cried in front of James. His sympathy was limited to Lily. "Men don't need to cry with one another," James had never let him forget. Lily had been the only person he could cry to. James was fun and cool and they had something special, but Lily was a unique and compassionate woman who would have done anything for the people she loved. She proved that when she died. She knew he loved James and she knew that James didn't feel the same way. James wanted nothing but a friend in Sirius, despite prior experiments. Lily did all she could to keep the friendship solid between the three of them so Sirius would never resent her. Sirius sighed to himself. "Enough about what's done, Harry. Tell me who you are. Tell me the story of Harry." Harry smiled. Everyone knew him as some hero, and here was someone who had probably babysat him and changed his diapers before he ever spoke. He started to tell Sirius about growing up with the Dursleys, and finding out about Hogwarts.

"I never got along with my aunt and uncle, or my cousin Dudley. They always thought I was abnormal. I hated it there. Then when I turned 11, I got my letter and they hated me even more. I usually spend my summers with them so I'm really happy to be going with you." He looked up at Sirius and grinned. Sirius returned the smile. "I'm glad you're coming with me, too. It'll be nice to have some company. Did anyone ever tell you that you have Lily's ears?" Harry laughed. "Everyone tells me I look just like my dad except for my eyes. I've never heard any mention of her ears before." Sirius shook his head. "You have James' general features, hair color, bone structure, hair misbehavior, but if I were to see you together, even without the different eye color, I'd be able to tell who was who. You have Lily's smile too. A bit more open and warm than James' was. And you're scrawny like Miss Lils. James was buff in his own mind. You seem shyer and more compassionate. Lily's personality." Harry sat in stunned silence. Nobody had ever spoken so candidly about his parents to him. He appreciated Sirius not treating him like a baby who things have to be hidden from. He felt like they were equals.

When the plane landed, they gathered their luggage and hailed a cab to take them to their place in Costa Mesa. On the way, they talked about the music that came from the radio. "KROQ... good station, I like it. I like rock music," Harry commented as he listened to the new station. Sirius nodded his head in agreement. He stared out the window onto the freeway and sighed. He'd always wanted to come to California. He had that morbid feeling that had no cause but ruined a perfectly good mood. Maybe it was the haze over the crescent moon. How many times had he seen the same sight from his cell window? He shuddered and Harry looked up. "You alright, Sirius? You seem upset." He shook his head and answered Harry's inquiry. "Yeah, I'm alright, I'm just spacing. It's so different now that I'm out, the freedom feels so bizzare." Harry nodded emphatically. "I totally get it. I feel the same way about being away from the Dursley's. It's something you get so used to, no matter how horrible, but then you get out and don't really know where to go." Sirius was surprised to hear something so deep. How could a 13 year old kid get him so well? They pulled up at the apartment and proceeded inside.

_And you must think I'm pretty when I'm standing top the bright lit city and I'll take your hand and pick you up and keep you there so you can see. As long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there and we'll drink and dance the night away. We'll drink and dance the night away so here I am, it's in my hands and I'll savor every moment of this. Here I am alive at last and I'll savor every moment of this. As long as you're alive, here I am. I promise I will take you there. As long as you're alive, here I am. I promise I will take you there._

Harry smiled as he thought back on the summer. He and Sirius had had so much fun together. They'd seen beaches and movie stars. They'd eaten foodcourt pizzas and seen world famous plays. They rented movies and ate popcorn and talked about the fun stuff. Hermione and Ron came out to visit too. They'd had such a good time with them. They went to Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm. They teased Sirius for being scared of the teacups. Ron couldn't even stand in line for Montezuma's Revenge. Hermione laughed outright at Madam Liotta on the Haunted Mansion. "Honestly, do they really believe all that hibbity jibitty nonsense?" They just smiled at her and Ron wrapped an arm around her shoulder. They had the best summer ever and now, for the first time ever, Harry was dreading going back to Hogwarts.

Throughout the year, Harry kept in touch with Sirius. He was happy to know that Sirius would be there to watch the third task today. Then the worst possible thing imaginable happened. Harry felt so guilty for getting Cedric killed. He went to 12 Grimmauld place to spend the summer with Sirius. He felt responsible for the entire Triwizard Cup fiasco. "Sirius it's my fault. I shouldn't have let him touch it. I got Cedric Diggory killed!" Sirius pulled him in closely and wrapped his arms around his godson. "Shh, Harry, relax. It's not your fault. You did what any one of us would have done. You are not responsible for your friend's death." He was afraid to know what James might say if he saw this scene. "Real men don't cry with each other, Harry. Only cry with women." He knew what James would have said to him. "Don't be a negative influence on my son. Don't show him what weakness is." Lily would have been comforted to know that her son had a sensitive rolemodel. She loved James but she knew he wasn't the most compassionate man in the world. At least one of them was. Harry snaked his arms around Sirius's waist and held him tightly. As Harry drifted off to sleep, Sirius sank into thoughts of his past.

He and James just had another fight. "Sirius, quit crying. How many times do I have to tell you how unflattering it is? It's not my fault you had a bad date with Eliza. I told you we need to move on and forget about our stupid mistake. I was only experimenting. If I led you on I'm sorry, but Jesus, get over it already. It was 2 months ago. I'm with Lily now and you're supposed to be with Eliza. You can't keep coming up into my room and expecting me to fix all your problems." Sirius sniffled. "Fuck you, James. I just came to talk to you because you're my friend. I thought I could talk to you about stuff. Why do you always have to be so mean to me?" James sat down next to his upset friend. "I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to let you know that it can't be the way it used to be. This is called tough love. If I'm an asshole to you, you won't want me anymore. You know what we have is very special. It's just not what it was." He hugged his friend and kissed his cheek. Sirius was pulled out of sad thoughts when he noticed a movement from Harry. He moved closer to Sirius and wrapped his arms a little tighter. "You feeling any better, Harry?" Harry looked up into Sirius's icy blue eyes. "Not quite yet, but I will be." He surprised Sirius by kissing him tenderly on the lips. He didn't acknowledge anything that he did. He just rolled over and whispered. "Goodnight Sirius. I love you." Sirius was fully aware of the fact that everything that had changed between them. He was perfectly okay with that. "I love you, too, Harry." He was happy to know that Harry loved him completely and totally for himself. He didn't have to change a thing.

For the rest of the summer, Sirius tried to sneak Harry off to secret places for them to be together and kiss and just be alone. The only people who knew about their secret affair were Hermione, Ron, Tonks, and Remus. They supported their friends and helped whenever they could. As the summer dwindled down, Harry again didn't want to go back to school. "I'll miss you so much Sirius. I can't bare the thought of going back and not being with you. I love you." Sirius hugged him tightly as he helped him pack. "I love you, too, Harry, but you have to go. I'll see you at Christmas and I promise to keep in touch with you. I love you forever." Harry kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I love you forever plus infinity." Sirius giggled. "You have a train to catch, love. Have a good school year."

_It's hard to know just what to do in times like these. It's hard to know just what to say and I'm just sitting here just asking myself why. It's good to know you feel the same. And I believe I want to be your everything and anything you need. Don't cry for us tonight. Don't cry we'll be alright. If I could I'd be by your side. Don't cry for us._

Christmas came much sooner than expected. Unfortunately, it was at the expense of Mr. Weasely's health. Harry wondered how he could dream something like that. How could something that horrible actually happen. He, Sirius, and the Weasley children waited for Molly to return with news. Nobody spoke. Harry sensed everyone's anger. He felt like he was intruding on something private. He didn't feel right being around the worried family. Sirius was feeling the same sentiments. He felt out of place having the grieving family sitting in his kitchen. He went to the icebox to get butterbeer for everyone. The silence got heavier as the time passed. Ginny was falling asleep at the table and Ron was holding on to her. Fred and George were very subdued and angry. Hours later, Mrs. Weasley showed up and gave the good news that her husband would be fine. She shooed her children off to bed after hugging them all. She dabbed her eyes with a handkercheif and thanked Harry for reporting the dream so quickly. She hugged him and Sirius then went back to St. Mungo's to be with her husband.

Harry followed Sirius to his bedroom and they began to talk quietly. "I felt so rude sitting up there with them. I felt like I didn't belong there. I'm not family after all and Molly doesn't even like me." Harry nodded and watched Sirius pull off his black t-shirt and jeans. "I know what you mean. I felt like I was intruding. I didn't want to be there when I was the cause." Sirius shook his head and pulled on his scarlet silk pajama pants. "It's not your fault, Harry. You probably saved his life." Harry pulled on his own pajamas, emerald velvet pants with gold lace lining, and crawled into bed with Sirius. "I love you, Sirius." He smiled down at his love. "I love you too, Harry." Harry snaked his hands over Sirius's bare chest and muscular stomach. He kissed Sirius deeply and murmered in his ear. "Sirius, I'm ready." Sirius looked stunned. He stared into Harry's emerald eyes. "Are you sure? Are you sure you won't regret it?" Harry nodded. "Yes I'm absolutely sure. I want you."

That was all the encouragement Sirius needed. He laid Harry back on the bed and ran his hands all over his body, followed by his mouth. Harry was reveling in ecstacy. Harry wanted to feel Sirius, too. He rolled over onto Sirius and began exploring every inch of bare skin available to him first with his hands then with his mouth. Now Sirius was reveling in pleasure. "Sirius, I need you, take me now." Sirius didn't need to be told twice. He prepared Harry's body for entrance and slowly eased into him. After he thought Harry could handle it, he began pumping into him. Harry moaned in pain but it rapidly turned into pleasure as Sirius continued to work inside him. They finished together and wrapped themselves around one another. Sirius promised himself to take care of Harry and keep him away from people like James. He slipped into thoughts about the night he spent with James.

After they finished, Sirius looked up at James. "James, I love you." James winced and pulled on his jeans. "Yeah, Sirius...about that...this can't happen again. I thought it might be good if it was with you because you're my friend but I'm just not into guys." Sirius sniffled. "Why did you lead me on James?" James hugged his friend. "I didn't mean to, Siri. I really didn't, it's just that I didn't think about it. I love Lily. I love having you as my friend. I don't want to damage our friendship so I think that we should both just forget about this." Sirius sniffled harder, trying to hold back tears. "James, that was my first time. How can you expect me to forget it?" James shrugged his shoulders. "I guess all you can do is try. Don't cry, you know how I hate that. Look, I have to go. I have a date with Lily. We're going to Hogsmeade. I'd invite you but you don't have a date. We're going with Frank and Alice." Sirius wiped his eyes as James left. He fell back onto his bed and cried.

For the rest of Christmas break, Harry stayed close to Sirius they went off alone together whenever they could. Sirius woudn't tell Harry anything negative about James so Harry was left wondering what was wrong when Sirius slipped off into his own thougths. He didn't want to think about going back to school to deal with Umbridge and Malfoy. He soaked up all the time he had left with Sirius and tried not to think about it. Finally the day came where he had to go back to school. "Sirius let me stay, please?" He laughed at his lover's puppy face. "I'm sorry, my love, I can't do that. You have to go back and give old McGonagall hell for me." Harry cried and clutched close to Sirius. He knew that Sirius was all he wanted and he didn't care what the consequences were. Sirius knew that he had to go but it didn't make it any easier. The next day, Harry got on the Hogwarts Express to finish his fifth year. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving Sirius home alone. He tried not to think about it and immersed himself in conversation with Ron and Hermione.

_You know that I'd give anything to watch you sleep. I can picture you just lying there and you dont need to say the words cause they dont mean a thing. You know you're not alone when someone cares. And I believe that you are still my anything And everything I need. Don't cry for us tonight Don't cry we'll be alright. If I could I'd be by your side. Don't cry for us. _

When he got back to school, he had trouble keeping his mind off of Sirius. They kept writing letters and Harry tried to spend more time with his friends. Umbridge was making his life hell and the only comfort was D.A. meetings. He started having awful nightmares about Sirius being captured and tortured in the Department of Mysteries. He tried to floo Grimmauld Place but nobody had seen him. He got caught by the Inquistorial Squad and taken to Umbridge. Hermione's brilliance saved the day. After taking Umbridge to visit Hagrid's little brother, Gwarp and almost getting killed by centaurs, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, and Luna Lovegood mounted thestrals to fly to the Ministry of Magic.

Once inside the Department of Mysteries, Harry grabbed a prophecy with his name on it and got ambushed by Death Eaters. The kids kept them off for a while but soon The Order of the Phoenix showed up to help them. Harry kept fighting until he saw a green jet of light knock Sirius into the veil. He ran forward to try and catch him but Remus Lupin held him back. "Come on, Lupin, we can still save him! Let go of me!" Lupin caught his breath and hugged Harry. "There's nothing we can do, Harry. He's..." He choked back a sob. "NO! He can't be dead! He just fell! He can't be fucking dead!" He didn't want to let it sink in but he knew. His insides were shredded up and he wished he could die, too.

Falling through the veil felt very strange. He landed with a hard thud and cried out. "Ow! Where the hell am I? Is anyone here? WHERE THE FUCK AM I?" From behind him, he heard laughter. He whipped around and saw the smiling face of James. "Hey, Siri, calm down. It's just me." Sirius's eyes widened. "Am I... am I fucking... dead?" James shook his head. "No, not yet anyway. You won't be till you come with me." Sirius stood up and hugged his friend but then thought of Harry. "I can't go."

Memories of Hogwarts flooded him yet again. "James, we need to talk. I can't pretend that nothing ever happened. I can't pretend that I don't love you. I can't pretend that I've moved on." James shook his head. "Listen, Sirius, get over me. Move on. Be happy with someone who loves you the way you should be loved." Sirius started to cry, much to James' disgust. "I can't pretend that I don't love you. I won't pretend that I'm straight! What the hell do you want me to do? Marry Eliza fucking Nott? I won't do it!" James slapped him in the face. "You are so weak, Sirius. Stop crying and just get over it already. I don't love you. I love Lily and I'm going to marry her. I want you to be my friend. I don't want anything else between us. Quit your crying and be a man for once." Sirius gingerly touched his redstained cheek. "You asshole! I can't believe you actually hit me! I don't know what Lily sees in you!" James punched him in the stomach. "How dare you talk about Lily. You want to know what she sees in me? A real, strong, brave man who knows better than to cry over lost love!" Sirius rolled on the floor and watched James walk out the door. He got his stuff together and left.

_Broken this fragile thing now and I can't, I can't pick up the pieces. ve thrown my words all around but I can't, I can't give you a reason. I feel so broken up and I give up I just want to tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do, you are my only, my only one. Made my mistakes, let you down and I can't, I can't hold on for too long. Ran my whole life in the ground and I can't, I can't get up when you're gone. And something's breaking up. I feel like giving up. I won't walk out until you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one who gets me like you do, you are my only my only one. Here I go so dishonestly. Leave a note for you my only one and I know you can see right through me so let me go and you will find someone. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one, no one like you. You are my only, my only one._

This memory struck Sirius harder than any other had. "I won't go!" James smiled. "Why not? What's back there that you won't find ahead of you?" Sirius twisted his hands. "My true love." James patted his friend on the shoulder. "I'm happy that you found someone to love, my friend. Who is it? Would I know him?" Sirius bit his lip. Should he tell him? He might as well. "You knew him a little, not very well though." James smiled bigger. "Who is it? You have to tell me. I'll have to tell Lily. I hope it's not a Slytherin, no I bet it's Amos Diggory. You always did think he was cute." Sirius shook his head. "No, no, he's younger than us." James slapped Sirius's arm. "Tell me who he is already!" Sirius sighed and braced himself.

"My true love, the one waiting back there for me, is Harry." James put a finger to his temple. "Harry, Harry, did I know a Harry? No, the only Harry I ever knew was... OH MY GOD! You're true love is my son? You sick bastard! You're his godfather! That's so wrong! What the fuck were you thinking?" James punched Sirius in the face. Sirius decided to stand up for himself. "He's almost 16 years old, James. He chose me! I didn't seduce him. I love him so much, and he loves me too, much more than you ever did. You should be very proud of your son, he's a beautiful person inside and out and he knows that real men aren't afraid to cry. He's lucky as all hell that he got Lily's personality rather than yours you mean son of a bitch! I'm going to be with him and I don't give a damn what you say because I'm going back!" He didn't even look at James.

Through the sheer power of his love, he willed himself back out of the veil. He was inside the Department of Mysteries and he apparated back to Grimmauld Place. He started to cry as he saw everyone else mourning over him. People started looking up and saw him there. Harry ran up to him and threw his arms around his lover. "Don't ever leave me again. I love you so much!" Sirius kissed him passionately but so nobody else could see. "I promise I won't. I love you, too!" Harry smiled up at the icy blue eyes that he fell in love with. Sirius whispered into his ear. "Should we tell them about us?" Harry smiled and looked around. "I think they alreardy know."

Later that night, Harry and Sirius lay in bed together talking. "How did you get back?" Sirius decided not to let him think anything negative about his father. He wanted Harry's image of his father to stay perfect. "Purely on my love for you." They hugged each other and fell into passionate lovemaking. He was so happy that Harry would never have to deal with a man like James. He was even happier that Harry wasn't like James. "I love you forever, Harry." Harry smiled. "I love you forever plus infinity, Sirius."

_And you must think I'm pretty when I'm standing top the bright lit city and I'll take your hand and pick you up and keep you there so you can see. As long as you're alive and care I promise I will take you there and we'll drink and dance the night away. We'll drink and dance the night away so here I am, it's in my hands and I'll savor every moment of this. Here I am alive at last and I'll savor every moment of this. As long as you're alive, here I am. I promise I will take you there. As long as you're alive, here I am. I promise I will take you there._

-The Starting of Something Wonderful-

Okay people there you go, hope you enjoyed it. Tell me nicely if it sucked.

The songs I used were:

The Taste of Ink by The Used

Don't Cry for Us by Justincase

and Only One by Yellowcard

Teagan Gnosis


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